@Mom_Overboard

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

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@AngryRaccoon2

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

@MomOnFire

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

@TuSoonShakur

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

@JosesLovesYou

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

@SuperTeeWhy

Jaws (2015):
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”

@MomOfTeen

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

@jesseddy

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

@djdarrellripley

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

@Bexdora

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.