No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”
Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.