Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY would you be happy about this?

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Do not levitate over flowers

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.