cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not