Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…