COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on