Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

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Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.


It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.


Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.


the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken


I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken


Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.


Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.


Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!


{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.


ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.


PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.