Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive