A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.