cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’d hang this in my house.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”