cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”

[jesus whistles innocently]

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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.


no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too


Probably the worst thing about getting taken down by a pack of Hyenas would be hearing them giggle while they eat you.


Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.


If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.


Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon


[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh


Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.


Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”