@FrenulumBreve

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”

[jesus whistles innocently]

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@CulturedRuffian

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

@goodbeanalt

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

@realHamOnWry

Probably the worst thing about getting taken down by a pack of Hyenas would be hearing them giggle while they eat you.

@AnchorsAviators

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

@_maybe_not_ever

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

@c12h22o11balls

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

@GrantTanaka

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

@TheBoydP

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

@dongfuture

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”