cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”