cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.