To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
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When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
It’s now socially acceptable to play Cards Against Humanity with your 8 year old.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something