@suecorvette

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

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@vexroid

To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.

@Eden_Eats

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

@dorsalstream

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

@TechnicallyRon

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

@ClichedOut

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

@impaulmccoy

It’s now socially acceptable to play Cards Against Humanity with your 8 year old.

@krisv_723

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

@Peauxtassium

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something