cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
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My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Dishonest mechanic?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue