[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Roses are red
Love has many factors
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u