cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

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To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.



When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.


OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew


Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard


[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work


It’s now socially acceptable to play Cards Against Humanity with your 8 year old.


[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?


I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video


*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something