Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…