Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
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Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.