Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.