@DaddyJew

Cop:alright now repeat after me

Me:repeat after me

C:no not yet

M:no not yet

C:stop

M:stop

C:put your hands in the air

M:put your h..

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@behindyourback

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

@theshantilly

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

@Glove_Monkey

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

@mynameisntdave

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

@_sanshandle

I’m not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn’t seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

@BetteMidler

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

@kacisuewho

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos