Cop:alright now repeat after me

Me:repeat after me

C:no not yet

M:no not yet



C:put your hands in the air

M:put your h..

You Might Also Like


for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.


Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?


Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.


GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.


I’m not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn’t seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.


Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.


Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!


*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”


Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos