i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
oh sorry i cant im busy that day