for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Cop:alright now repeat after me
Me:repeat after me
C:no not yet
M:no not yet
C:put your hands in the air
M:put your h..
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Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’m not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn’t seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos