Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
this is what they would have looked like, though
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
shut up and take my money
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Mornin
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
This classic never gets old . . .
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family