Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.


[Founding Fathers]
-But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth?
-They swear on a bible?
-Thats stupid
-Hey lunch’s here


I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.



Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.


Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out


Britney is stranded on an island
Britney is starving
Britney forms tool out of rocks and sticks
Britney sees a fish
Britney Spears


me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving


bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]