Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.