*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Feels like the fourth month in January
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”