Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.