@sonictyrant

cop:*pulls me over*
me:*winds down car door window*
cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

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@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@Marlebean

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

@The_MartiniGirl

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

@juneohara65

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

@myonlymizztake

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

@SirEviscerate

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.

@LlamaInaTux

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim