me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
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The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
who will stop them
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Lmao
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.