cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Don’t forget to tip your server
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I’m not stressed
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.