COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
tourist season
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.