ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell