Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Always
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.