Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
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Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I have so many questions.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I’m not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn’t seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.