@punmagnate

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

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@TheHyyyype

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

@dumbbeezie

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

@mccoy_paul

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

@ojedge

[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”

@baseballchickie

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

@MacDickson18

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

@portmanteauface

My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game

@3sunzzz

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

@HeyJohnDuke

“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell