Not all heroes wear capes…
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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To the guy who just followed me with “Conservative, God-loving, pro-life” in his bio… are you sure you want to do this?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.