@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

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@GodDammitDanny

To the guy who just followed me with “Conservative, God-loving, pro-life” in his bio… are you sure you want to do this?

@rockymomax

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

@ShortSleeveSuit

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

@CelebrityChez

There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.

@AndrewChamings

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.