Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.