[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.


“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.


“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash


The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.


[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt


Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!


Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%


If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.


Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.