Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
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“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.