Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Denise please return my vape pen
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee