Cops: Jay X?

Me: Yes.

Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
911: [dial tone]


i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it


me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat


So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?


*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table

Can I hold your baby?


Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”