911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
911: [dial tone]
Cops: Jay X?
Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.
Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Turns out buying that meth lab on craigslist was illegal
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table
Can I hold your baby?
According to math, I’m broke
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”