[cops knock on my door]
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

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They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.


professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?


If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.


Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!


I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]


[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.


How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?


[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it


Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe


You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.