Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.