[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
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I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok