COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
You Might Also Like
Boating season is upon us.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
house sitting!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.