“have a police dog?”


“only the dog can come in”


“my house, my rules”

COP: I guess that’s true

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Days 1-4 after buying bananas: I don’t really feel like having a banana

Day 5: shit, I better eat a banana

Day 6: hello, 911, I ate 7 bananas


My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met


[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*


I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.


Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?


My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.


*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?



– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients


[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*


Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.