*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
oh my gosh!!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt