I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
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That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Your secret is safeish with me
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life