Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk

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COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.


Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*


PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”


<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.


Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds


“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.


Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon


It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.