If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Overindulged this afternoon.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My birthstone is kidney
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.