COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?
MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
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Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.
Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.