“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?