We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.