I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My Google search in case someone ever steals my phone
Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?
Ace of Base: *starts sweating*
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.