@JB4Realz

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

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@AmishPornStar1

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

@NewDadNotes

Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?

Ace of Base: *starts sweating*

@KeetPotato

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

@JeffMyspace

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

@FeverFlave

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@SlappNuttz

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

@vanluvz1

I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.