Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing