Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes