Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it鈥檚 actually kinda fun you should try it.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I鈥檝e heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I鈥檇 like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That鈥檚 better, now flare his nostrils like he鈥檚 excited about a sale.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I鈥檇 remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it鈥檚 seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 馃憫
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I鈥檓 the nicest person alive
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
him: I鈥檓 gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.