Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.


Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.


Well, well, well. If it isn’t that thing I told my wife I already did.


Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex


yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna


What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving


Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.


me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?



me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast


*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*


“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie