@ozzyunc

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

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@DeanB15

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

@prufrockluvsong

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

@MikeMcNeil_

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that thing I told my wife I already did.

@0000seapea808

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

@Social_Mime

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

@EdgarAllanLo

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

@HenpeckedHal

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

@MondayPajamas

*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*

@T_Bonezzz_

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie