[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
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Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?
Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.
Me: How much is this costing me?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*snares the Easter Bunny*
*pats his head*
*lets him go*
What?!?…What did you think I was going to do, you savages.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
You know, gas prices really aren’t that bad when you consider that you’re essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?