@terio1429

Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag

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@StewieTea2

Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?

Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.

Me: How much is this costing me?

@FredTaming

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

@IvoryGazelle

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

@carlyken

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

@realHamOnWry

*sets trap*

*snares the Easter Bunny*

*pats his head*

*lets him go*

What?!?…What did you think I was going to do, you savages.

@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

@TylerActually

You know, gas prices really aren’t that bad when you consider that you’re essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.

@clichedout

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

@DaddyJew

[me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?