@terio1429

Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag

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@ScorpionDong

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”

[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]

@SteussieErica

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

@LuvPug

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

@pittdave13

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

@TheAlexP

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

@AnniemuMary

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

@pakalupapito

i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.

@LaTreiHinton

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..