For them dirty farmers.

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Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine


Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed.

Btw, I love what you’ve done with the place.


mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that’s called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was


If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.


You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.


Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.


Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.


[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby


Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.


How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.