For them dirty farmers.

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Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.


[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty


COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening


“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.


*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?


I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.


Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.


Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.


I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”


Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.