@ohmygrapeness

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

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@TommyKarate

Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.

@TheHyyyype

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

@Just__J0

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

@Rollmaninoz

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

@xlr8tor87

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

@philco816

Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

@HomeProbably

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.