For them dirty farmers.

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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having


Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.


One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.


me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you


“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”


I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.


Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.


People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.


It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane