@ohmygrapeness

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

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@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@MrMildSauce

Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed.

Btw, I love what you’ve done with the place.

@TheHyyyype

mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that’s called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@HatfieldAnne

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

@shutupmikeginn

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

@WheelTod

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

@murrman5

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

@XplodingUnicorn

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

@karlainvt

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.