@ohmygrapeness

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

@GrantTanaka

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

@CantWaitToNap

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

@IndecisiveJones

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

@BryMastas

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

@TheAlexNevil

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

@iscoff

It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane