corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!