corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”