Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.