My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
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Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
normalize having existential bread
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.