Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
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To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I think I’m having a stroke
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”