CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”