@CulturedRuffian

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

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@jergarl

Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

@englishjer

Btw it’s the year of the pig – not pork or bacon. Pork is the meat, and bacon is a thin strip of pork from specific area of the pig. Also, there can be other types of bacon, like turkey or Kevin.

@evildadatron

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

@jazmasta

*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

@HeyoShellz

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

@gavinpivott

My new year’s resolution is to be more grammary and stop making up words.

@aaronrand

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.