If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

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Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.


Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”


Btw it’s the year of the pig – not pork or bacon. Pork is the meat, and bacon is a thin strip of pork from specific area of the pig. Also, there can be other types of bacon, like turkey or Kevin.


Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim



[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”


*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*


[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high


My new year’s resolution is to be more grammary and stop making up words.


Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.