Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

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If you have someone that doesn’t want to give up on you, get a restraining order.


good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything


M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.


Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?

Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…

Pitbull: Thanks!


My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.


I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts


Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.


I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.


The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.


The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”