If you have someone that doesn’t want to give up on you, get a restraining order.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
You Might Also Like
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?
Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”