When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
He’s cranky this morning
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.